My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!