Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*