In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
birds and squirrels envy us
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.