If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
That’s amazing.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.