Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.