Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
All set.
me logging onto twitter
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash