“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*