guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Received some very disappointing news today
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!