[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever