Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Love is always patient and kind.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”