If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.