Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.