Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
3% human
97% stress
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*