Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Peace was never an option
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”