Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Wait a second…
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.