There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear