accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president