*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
You Might Also Like
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part