Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7