If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.