Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
forgive me baja for i have blast
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Love is in the air fryer.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack