[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer