[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you鈥檙e dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I鈥檓 deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird鈥檚 head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
I鈥檓 won鈥檛 try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”