You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.