He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
You Might Also Like
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*