I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Rt to bother an English speaker
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!