There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES