If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Only short people can save us
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
No laws when master is gone
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store