Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie