Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
absolute chaos
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.