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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Would you wear it?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
This could be us but you eatin’
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.