Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Always…
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related