Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
What number SPF blocks people?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too