Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!