You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.