Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
buying dead houseplants to save time
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise