Peace was never an option
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.