Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.