(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.