You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
this isn’t threatening at all
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.