When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I snag the last meatball.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
so weird how every mom was born today
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Truth
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it