STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.