Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Called it
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
He’s dead
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP