Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision