[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.