Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You Might Also Like
this could fix me
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?