quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
TWEET CALL
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Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”