They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
how long have you had this for?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.