Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem