People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
How wrong was this guy?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.